12 Steps to Getting Along with Difficult People, Part 3
How are those difficult relationships working for you? They are tough aren’t they!
In the last 2 blog posts I introduced 12 core competencies for resolving conflict. This is so important because most of us struggle here and we need a common language for dealing with conflict among our professional and personal relationships.
So far we’ve discussed these 5:
- Learn to embrace and resolve conflict.
- Address your anger appropriately.
- Seek understanding, not victory.
- Assume the best.
- Learn to share your feelings appropriates.
- Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
Now, you may want to review the overview to this topic and the specifics for above 6 steps to getting along with difficult people on our previous blogs – Part 1 & Part 2.
7. Speak the truth respectfully.
You should always be truthful! That will keep you from practicing flight–running away, denying or repressing conflict.
On the other hand, be respectful. Treat people with dignity. Be kind, generous, and gracious in your relationships. Remember, it has nothing to do with whether someone deserves this or not. It is just the right thing to do. Be gracious toward people. This will keep you from practicing fight—offensive, abrasive, bitter, abusive behavior.
The picture in this post is a note someone wrote to me when I parked too close to his or her car. As you can tell this person was frustrated and tried to communicate that to me. So, how did they do at speaking the truth respectfully?
How do you normally do at this? Take a minute to think about your style in conflict resolution. Are you more of a fighter or a flighter (run away for it)?
I naturally tend to deny conflict or run away from it in great measure because that how it was handled in my family. There was never a harsh word or tone of voice. It just wasn’t acceptable. The good news is that I’m normally quite nice and pleasant. The bad news is that such kindness and respect is only one piece of the equation. So, I’ve had to learn to practice and master the very steps I’m suggesting here including speaking the truth.
And, you know what? These skills can be learned and honed. In fact, I spend a good deal of my time these days not only living out these principles but coaching leaders and their teams to do the same. You need to do the same thing in your family and your workplace.
Remember, without team unity your productivity, profitability, enjoyment and overall impact are stifled at best.
8. Attack the problem not the person.
There are few things more harmful than attacking a person’s character. We do this often when we try to handle conflict. The key is our language. Don’t use “You” statements use “I” statements.
Don’t say, “You make me so mad” or “You are such a pain.” Instead, use words like, “I have a problem…when I see you do this I feel…” or “it seems to me” or “I think that” etc.
Remember, when you use “you statements” you give the impression that you are attacking the person, and in some way you are. Don’t back people into a corner. Instead, give them some room to grow and save their dignity. Use “I” statements instead.
9. Deal with specific areas not generalizations.
There are few things worse than making over-generalizations. Men, don’t ever say to your wife, “You are just like your mother.” This is usually not complimentary in the first place, and second it is not totally accurate.
Instead, be specific. It is one thing for me to say to you, “You are a liar!” How does that make you feel—probably worthless and defensive? It is too general and I am attacking your person. Instead, I might say, “The other day when we were in this meeting I heard you say……. This didn’t align with my few of the facts. Can you help me understand the discrepancy?” You see, there may be a perfectly good explanation. But, at the very least, I have given you a gracious opportunity to address the real issues and clarify the problem without pinning you into a corner.
So, for this week process and practice these 6 skills intentionally with one problem person in your life. Remember, you want to turn these skills into habits (muscle memory).
Keep a written log of you progress and let me here what you are learning – good or bad.
